I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
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I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.