I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
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*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
6: are snakes just neck?
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati