Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
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My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
“What movie?” 🤔
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.