Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
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I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.