Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
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Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Rather alarming headline…
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.