*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
You Might Also Like
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”