*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
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HERE’S MARKY
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
But wait…
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.