Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
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On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.