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Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out