Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
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Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Got him!
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I have so many questions.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too