The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
You Might Also Like
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”