Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
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landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school