So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I triple waxed for this?
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Can’t, holding a grudge
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal