“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
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Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
This line from Airplane.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
A leaf blower, but for people.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
How to draw a duck
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?