Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
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Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe