I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
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[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie