Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
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my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
choose your gary
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
My neck my back my allergy attack
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Lately I have the attention span of wait what