Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
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My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
wish me luck lads
Jogging
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.