Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
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Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
New Tinder profile.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.