DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
bias laundering edition
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.