My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
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But I really needed water water water
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great