I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
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me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.