Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
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I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
A dead goose is called a ghoost
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.