Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
You Might Also Like
“I’m helping” 😅
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.