Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
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wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife