PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
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the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
seems fine
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
this is me
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.