FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
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*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery