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Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”