Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
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1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions