Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
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You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.