[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
You Might Also Like
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Have kids, they said
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*