Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
#oldknees
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers