You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
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Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
There is no “we” in chocolate.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
OH. COME. ON.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.