*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve