*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
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So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
This has made my week.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity