i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
You Might Also Like
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
This is I, Robot all over again
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
My wife gives the best headache.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it