There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
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[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL