Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
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*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?