The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”