[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
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Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
when you order from DoorDastardly
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.