Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
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My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
these two trucks have the same bed length
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
mood
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow