Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
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Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.