Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
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Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.