wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
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What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
we all know this pain all too well