Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
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6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Snapes on a plane.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.