I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
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You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Nothing to do, you say?
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
kids play hide and seek like
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
starting a garage orchestra
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys