I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
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Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine