the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
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Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I get distracted pretty eas
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?