*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
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When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.