Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
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To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
At least my masseuse has my back.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
the last thing a carrot sees
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.